Welcome to the TRAP TOPIC!

What is this?

Not only do I have blog posts, but I am using a new page called TRAP TOPIC for mini-blogs. These will be frequently updated unlike the actual blog.

TODAYS TRAP TOPIC: Your Ancestors Jerked it too!

Over the years, jerkin' it had become more of a private manner. We barred it from our conversations. Its an act that can only take place in the privacy of our own homes. In fact, jerkin' it is a field dominated entirely by men. I would like to propose something to the women/clitoris-owners in the audience: KEEP UP LADIES!!! You have access to the best orgasms on the planet! don't let them go to waste!!! Take over this penis-dominated field!

On the topic of our ancestors... Today in my art history class we were discussing the Venus of Willendorf... that plump, stubby sculpture with the ginormous breasts and no face. Of course, we were keeping this conversation entirely academic. Some suggested it was an object of ritual, a token for good luck during life-risking pregnancies of the Prehistoric Era. But when this girl was asked their opinion on the sculpture,she said as follows:

"I don't know. I think some cave guy was probably using it to jerk off." (I am paraphrasing here since I didn't write down the exact words. But jerking off was included.)

Everyone was shocked, most of us started laughing, including the professor. She elaborated on this point, saying something like, "he went into his cave for some alone time and then started jerking it while holding this," to which the professor added, "ah, yes, gooning is antisocial" which personally took the cake for me.

But I wonder... was gooning always an antisocial activity? Was there once goon rituals where everyone beat it in a circle? This has led me to do some research on the history of masturbation.

ANCIENT MASTURBATION

According to our friend Wikipedia, depictions of male and female masturbation could be seen in prehistoric rock paintings. A figure of a woman masturbating was found in the Hagar Qim temple. So seriously, ladies, lock in. The Sumerians used puru-oil to "enhance friction." Enki, the Sumerian God of water, was said to have created the Tigris and Euphrates rivers by masturbating and ejaculating into the empty riverbeds.

All was swell until the Greeks had to bust everyone's balls and say that masturbation was uncivilized. Playing with yourself was seen as an "act of passivity." A "real man" could only play the role of the penetrator in bed.

There was once a philosopher who would masturbate in public- Diogenes of Sinope. He had credited (as a jest) the act of masturbation to Hermes, who allegedly took his son, Pan, and taught him the trick of masturbation to relieve his insufferable pining for Echo.

THE DOWNFALL OF MEAT BEATING

History only goes downhill from here, as you would expect it to. As the years went by, masturbation was credited to insanity. Our dear friend Freud addresses masturbation in his work "Three Essays on the Theory of Sexuality" and associated it with addictive substances. He describes the masturbation of infants at the period when the infant is nursing, at four years of age, and at puberty (wtf dude... knock it off that shit is weird...)

BUT WAIT... DONT LOSE HOPE!!

THE GREAT GOONING REVOLUTION

Alfred Kingsley comes to rescue us in the 40s and 50s by insisting masturbation was an instinctive behavior for both males and females (#GOAT). The American Medical Association went on to declare masturbation as normal in 1972.

So it seems we have entered the post-modern era of jerkin' it. I observe that perhaps we are on the cusp of radical gooning, as it has become increasingly present in meme culture... Perhaps I will live to see the day of a new Era... Perhaps that new Era is upon us and we just don't notice it yet. WHO will be the one to change the world of masturbation as we know it?

...Perhaps it will be you, my dear reader.

welcome to my freaky world.